written by Lorissa Roepke, Heart Hero

I often ask myself, “What is the best thing to ever happen to me?”, “What is the worst thing that has ever happened to me?”. These two questions swarm my mind and I come up with so many different answers. I am preparing for when someone actually asks me this question.

Most likely, it won’t ever be asked. But then, why do I think it? Maybe it comes from New Years where every year you tell yourself

This is going to be MY year.

You convince yourself that since this year is your 16^th birthday or you graduate from high school that you will make it the best. You may even go as far as making plans with friends, creating a bucket list for the year, or just setting some goals for yourself to reach. It seems as though after each year, somehow one magical day can turn it around and you get to start fresh. But does that really happen? Or are we convincing ourselves of something made up?

To start off, I will answer my two initial questions. What are the best thing and worst things that have ever happened to me? My mind runs thousands of different ways. I could easily say that the best thing that has ever happened to me is graduating high school, traveling, my friends, my community, my dog, being accepted to college, my intelligence, and the most obvious one, my family. While these all are true, my mind goes back to one specific event, my heart transplant. After shuffling through all of the amazing things that I have had the opportunity to experience, I would easily say the best thing to happen to me has been receiving my new heart. To people on the outside, they normally say “How wonderful!” or “Lucky you.”

But do these people know what it means to go through a heart transplant?

This is where I will go into the second part of my question. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Just like before, I could name hundreds. I could say when either of my grandma’s passed away, when my childhood best friend passed away, when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, when my brother wrecked his dirt bike, or one of the times I have gotten hurt. These are all terrible things that have occurred in my life but the biggest one would have to be my heart transplant. But before you point out that I am a hypocrite, let me explain.

I was living a healthy and fulfilling life. I had no illnesses or medical scares. I was becoming a fairly good runner. I just graduated high school, started my first job (which I loved), getting ready to start my first year of college, and knew where I wanted to go in my life. I had everything figured out. I couldn’t understand my classmates that had no idea what they wanted to do. I had my life all planned out. I was going to live at home while attending the college in my hometown. This would save money and we only live two blocks from campus so it was very convenient. I was majoring in elementary education with my goal of becoming a third grade teacher. I chose third grade because the children were old enough to go to the bathroom by themselves but hopefully didn’t have their attitudes yet. Life couldn’t have been going any smoother for me.

And this is where my life gets turned upside down. Out of no where, I couldn’t walk to campus anymore. Let me remind you, we lived two blocks away. I thought it was allergies but my doctor knew something else was very wrong. After visiting multiple doctors, we were finally sent to Children’s Hospital where I was diagnosed. I had been living with a heart disease called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, a condition in which the heart muscle becomes thickened (hypertrophic).  This is the disease where athletes drop and are gone- their hearts stop with little to no warning. Medication was supposed to make my symptoms better but they were making me worse. After more testing and an emergency surgery, I was diagnosed with heart failure. I could no longer attend college and was almost immediately placed on the heart transplant list.

This is where I get the worst thing that has ever happened to me from. Everything I thought I knew, I was starting to second guess. During this wait, I remember specific things that made me question society. I sometimes wondered ‘How can people be so stupid?’. So many people would ask me, ‘When are you having your surgery?’, after finding out I was on the list. To begin with, I would calmly explain how heart transplants work. We have to wait for the call. We don’t know when the surgery will be. The longer I waited, the harder it was to be patient with people. Maybe I was bitter or maybe I was just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I started thinking of answering these people by saying, ‘Whenever someone dies’. It is very dark but it is the raw truth.

My best friend and I would joke about my health. For example, someone might say something along the lines of ‘Everyone is dying’ and our response would be ‘Well, Lorissa is dying faster’. (My mom was never impressed by this).  It wasn’t appropriate. We knew that but we didn’t know how to cope with it so we did the best we could.

On October 5, 2014, I received my heart transplant. It was such a wonderful thing. I could finally get my life back. I could go back to school, run again, and actually feel good. There was so much hope for me. But it isn’t as easy as that. I experienced excruciating pain. I remember barely anything from that first week while I was in PICU. I have heard many stories, though.

One time I do remember is when I had that excruciating pain. I hurt so bad. I cried when my transplant coordinator asked what I needed. I remember thinking between dozing off holding my aunt’s hand. I just needed someone to touch me so I knew they were there. I prayed to God every moment I was awake. My prayer went something like this, “God, please take this pain away. God, please take this pain away,”. I said it over and over again. At that moment, I pleaded to God to take me to Heaven. I didn’t want to go through it anymore. But as you now, I made it through it. I don’t know why, but God left me here on Earth. It wasn’t my time to go.

Everything went fairly well after that. I was off all pain medication before leaving the hospital. I started running three weeks after surgery. It was all falling into place. Everything physically challenging was easy to overcome.

Three months after transplant, I was talking to a guy I had a small crush on. But if you know me, I am very selective and guard my heart well. We had been talking as friends do. It was all nice and normal. We got into this serious conversation about my health. He admitted to me that he ‘didn’t want to have to go through another heart transplant’. I wasn’t offended as I understood. I laughed to myself because he didn’t go through my transplant anyway. We weren’t even talking at the time. Plus, he wants to be a doctor. How ironic!

But it made me wonder how many people wouldn’t want to be in my life because of my health. It turns out there is a surprising number of them. To which I say ‘Have a good life!’ as I wave to their backs when they walk away. My mom has said I have lost some of my sensitivity as a person. But I don’t see that as a fault of mine. I actually see it as a strength.

You see, it is very easy to say my transplant has been the worst thing to ever happen to me. There is nothing to do about it, however. Because of my heart transplant, I have met the most wonderful people ever. I have been introduced into this world of medicine and CHD. It is not where anyone wants to be but nearly everyone I have met makes the best out of the things that come their way. This is why I also can say that my heart transplant has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Not only do I get my physical life back, but I also get this whole new side of life and relationships as well.

I am ecstatic to say that I am now back in college and my major is now pre-nursing. I would love to become a pediatric nurse and will most likely try to specialize in cardiology. My goal is to go back and work at the same Children’s Hospital that I received the greatest care from.